I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted on here! Not that I haven't been busy or anything, but I definitely wanted to do a better job of keeping up on this blog.
So, why have I been away so long? I was preparing for a trip to Walt Disney World with my 4 young children. We went for 5 days and it was magical! BUT, it was also exhausting. We did have a blast all in all, but traveling with 4 children aged 6 and younger was more of a challenge than I was prepared for. I definitely recommend to wait until your youngest child is at least 6 before attempting this adventure, unless of course you only have 1 child and then any age would be okay.
We spent the majority of our time on potty breaks or trying to find our way around. It was frustrating trying to maneuver around the parks and using the bus system. I was not prepared for the amount of potty breaks that we ended up taking nor was I prepared for the melt downs and bickering that happened. I did expect it to be worse than at home, but not nearly like it ended up being. Hence my reasoning for thinking the kids were just too young for this.
On the positive side though, Disney is a very magical place! Even Jesse got excited to meet the characters (princesses included). :o) I cannot describe the moment of wonder and awe that comes over you when you see Cinderella's castle for the first time! Or the chills you get watching the fireworks with the music and special effects. Or the tears of joy as your children flash the biggest smile of their lives at you when the princess or character gives them a hug. I heard on more than one occasion that it was "THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!" It was those moments that made all of the hassle and stress of the day melt away like it never existed. It was also those moments that make me crazy enough to want to go back... However, I think Keldan (our youngest at age 2.5) will have to be 9-10 years old before we return.
For those of you wondering, it was quite the fiasco getting us all there between the packing, planning and traveling. Taking the kids through airport security was an adventure in and of its self. Gillian peed herself at the security check point, leaving a nice puddle on the floor. That was a little embarrassing. Dominic decided on the way home he didn't need to walk any more by himself, so he was dragged in the skiing position through security. Saviera threw herself onto the resort's lobby floor and proceeded to throw a kicking/screaming fit, for which she was rewarded by the staff with a Minnie doll and balloon ("Because at Disney all princesses should be happy all of the time." Grrrr). Though as a bright side, the other 3 kids also got a doll, Minnie for Gillian and Mickey for the boys. They were pleased as punch and it didn't cost me a dime, just some stress and embarrassment from Saviera. Yes, that is a hefty price tag! Keldan didn't have any issues at all, other than being a little bit disappointed that he was exactly 1/2 an inch too short for 90% of the rides.
I hope to post some pictures soon, so until then it's late and I'm headed for bed... I'm still unpacking, doing laundry and tying up loose ends left from before the trip.
Hugs ~ B.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Updates and Randomness
I know I've been slacking on the posting part of this blog. I come here mostly to read what others have written because I'm nosy and then I head to bed. So I am dedicating this entry to what's been happening in my world for the last week or so.
I've officially begun the vacation countdown! For those who don't know, we are headed to Walt Disney World on April 23rd! Our kids still don't know and won't know until we arrive at the airport. This task of keeping such a big surprise a secret has become increasingly difficult as my excitement grows. It is also even more extremely difficult to pack and plan things out without kids knowing. I am quite nervous about traveling so far and flying with kids aged 6.5, 4, 4, 2.5. Yes the .5 makes a huge difference! Those with kids understand. :o) Anywho, I've been plotting, planning, list making and sorting for about 6 months now. What to take, how much, what to leave behind, what will entertain them, what won't... This list goes on for miles. I've now spent about 2 hours packing and have all clothing except my own packed. I also have half the toiletries packed and carry on stuff is starting to accumulate in my closet (which is where the luggage is also hidden). I still have tons to do, a shopping trip and at least another 2 hours of packing. One might wonder why it takes so long to put together 5 outfits per person for 6 people? Because I have to think about what colors will keep us cool, look for stains and or rips in the kids clothes. Make sure mine fit and I am happy with how I look. Gather everything together and wash it all. Make sure I have outfits and not misfits. And finally just double, triple and quadruple check everything. I'm a worrier, so I cannot have anything left undone. We still have 2 weeks before we leave, but I'm sure I will be rushing around at the last minute even with all of this preplanning!
Alright, on to another subject (I will blog about the trip before and after we leave I am sure).
We've been busy cleaning out our home and shed the last week or so. Trying to organize our smaller living space since we moved over 6 months ago. I'm definitely not a saver and already have 4 garbage bags full of stuff for yard sale season. Our community does a yard sale in May and a friend of mine is doing one in June. I hope to sell off most of it and what doesn't sell will head to Goodwill. I tend to purge the house about twice a year. Once in the spring and once right before Christmas making room for the presents the kids get. All of the kids are past the baby stages and so I have a ton of toys to get rid of! Hopefully the kids will let me. Dominic doesn't deal with change at all and is a pack rat to the extreme. Someday I will post pictures of his bed revealing proof! It's sad to know they are not babies anymore, but exciting to be able to relate to them and do more things with them. In a couple of years they will all be in my "perfect" age range to enjoy kids. I think from the ages of 5-10 or 11 are the "perfect" years for me. They are still young and believe in the magic of life, but yet able to talk to me and help me help them. They are independent and yet still need their mommy.
Okay, that's a whole other blog that I will dedicate to my kids....
So, onward. We had a great Easter just relaxing at home. I do believe this was the first holiday since Jesse and I met that we spent alone together with just our immediate family, meaning the 6 of us. Normally we travel to see family somewhere in MI. It was so nice not having a time schedule and being able to relax in our pjs for the morning. The kids loved their baskets from the Easter Bunny. They got mostly trinkets and small toys like puzzles. We do very little candy, because they somehow seem to end up with lots of candy no matter how little we buy. Thank you to banks who hand out sugar to my kids in our truck... It's the best place to give them sugar on a stick, while trapped in a vehicle and they cannot let the energy from it wear off... :-/ Oh well. It was my favorite part of the bank when I was a kid too.
We also got some projects we've been putting off started. And I can promise they will be finished before the week is out.
Well folks, I believe that is all. I do have a busy week ahead of me preparing for a party on Friday. I am looking into working from home for a company called Thirty-one. My house is in desperate need of a thorough cleaning, so I will be busy this week. Though I plan to blog Friday night about the party and my interest in the company. But until then....
Hugs ~ B.
I've officially begun the vacation countdown! For those who don't know, we are headed to Walt Disney World on April 23rd! Our kids still don't know and won't know until we arrive at the airport. This task of keeping such a big surprise a secret has become increasingly difficult as my excitement grows. It is also even more extremely difficult to pack and plan things out without kids knowing. I am quite nervous about traveling so far and flying with kids aged 6.5, 4, 4, 2.5. Yes the .5 makes a huge difference! Those with kids understand. :o) Anywho, I've been plotting, planning, list making and sorting for about 6 months now. What to take, how much, what to leave behind, what will entertain them, what won't... This list goes on for miles. I've now spent about 2 hours packing and have all clothing except my own packed. I also have half the toiletries packed and carry on stuff is starting to accumulate in my closet (which is where the luggage is also hidden). I still have tons to do, a shopping trip and at least another 2 hours of packing. One might wonder why it takes so long to put together 5 outfits per person for 6 people? Because I have to think about what colors will keep us cool, look for stains and or rips in the kids clothes. Make sure mine fit and I am happy with how I look. Gather everything together and wash it all. Make sure I have outfits and not misfits. And finally just double, triple and quadruple check everything. I'm a worrier, so I cannot have anything left undone. We still have 2 weeks before we leave, but I'm sure I will be rushing around at the last minute even with all of this preplanning!
Alright, on to another subject (I will blog about the trip before and after we leave I am sure).
We've been busy cleaning out our home and shed the last week or so. Trying to organize our smaller living space since we moved over 6 months ago. I'm definitely not a saver and already have 4 garbage bags full of stuff for yard sale season. Our community does a yard sale in May and a friend of mine is doing one in June. I hope to sell off most of it and what doesn't sell will head to Goodwill. I tend to purge the house about twice a year. Once in the spring and once right before Christmas making room for the presents the kids get. All of the kids are past the baby stages and so I have a ton of toys to get rid of! Hopefully the kids will let me. Dominic doesn't deal with change at all and is a pack rat to the extreme. Someday I will post pictures of his bed revealing proof! It's sad to know they are not babies anymore, but exciting to be able to relate to them and do more things with them. In a couple of years they will all be in my "perfect" age range to enjoy kids. I think from the ages of 5-10 or 11 are the "perfect" years for me. They are still young and believe in the magic of life, but yet able to talk to me and help me help them. They are independent and yet still need their mommy.
Okay, that's a whole other blog that I will dedicate to my kids....
So, onward. We had a great Easter just relaxing at home. I do believe this was the first holiday since Jesse and I met that we spent alone together with just our immediate family, meaning the 6 of us. Normally we travel to see family somewhere in MI. It was so nice not having a time schedule and being able to relax in our pjs for the morning. The kids loved their baskets from the Easter Bunny. They got mostly trinkets and small toys like puzzles. We do very little candy, because they somehow seem to end up with lots of candy no matter how little we buy. Thank you to banks who hand out sugar to my kids in our truck... It's the best place to give them sugar on a stick, while trapped in a vehicle and they cannot let the energy from it wear off... :-/ Oh well. It was my favorite part of the bank when I was a kid too.
We also got some projects we've been putting off started. And I can promise they will be finished before the week is out.
Well folks, I believe that is all. I do have a busy week ahead of me preparing for a party on Friday. I am looking into working from home for a company called Thirty-one. My house is in desperate need of a thorough cleaning, so I will be busy this week. Though I plan to blog Friday night about the party and my interest in the company. But until then....
Hugs ~ B.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Petrified
For the last couple of weeks I haven't been able to shake some thoughts that petrify me beyond belief. I don't know why I think these things or why I obsess over them, but I do. I think my biggest fear is losing Jesse or one of the kids. However, my thoughts always point to Jesse.
I think of all the "What would I do questions?" right down to "I have no idea where I'd even have his funeral." Morbid? Yes, I think it is... But I can't shake it. I really do have this sour feeling in my gut like I'm gonna loose him and be left to raise my children alone.
I think, "What in the hell would I do without him?" There are SO many things I rely on him for. Maintenance sums up what I have no knowledge of. But he's also our income so I can stay home because daycare is so expensive. I would have to work and raise the kids. How would I do that? I do know I'd move "home" which means back to Ludington. This would make me closer to family who could help. I also know we have great life insurance, so I'd be covered there for quite some time.
What I don't know is how I would survive without him. I know how much I've struggled losing my dad, I can't even begin to understand how I'd feel to not have Jesse. I also don't know how I'd be able to handle the kids alone. How could I help them deal with it all and deal with it myself?...
I hate these thoughts and the nasty feelings they leave inside me. I hate that I think of these things. And furthermore I hate that I think this way so often. Most of the time I don't even realize that is where my thoughts have slipped to until I feel the tears on my cheek.
I'm pretty sure this all has to do with losing my dad and a lot of other people close to me at relatively young ages. I think it is also related to watching my mom deal with life on her own for the first time ever (because she married at 18, so she went from her parents to my dad). And it may even be related to watching my brother raise his boys alone now, too (yes divorce sucks).
I need to find a way to feel secure in life again. I need to feel safe and happy. I want to let all of these worries go. Now, if someone could just tell me how.
Hugs ~ B.
I think of all the "What would I do questions?" right down to "I have no idea where I'd even have his funeral." Morbid? Yes, I think it is... But I can't shake it. I really do have this sour feeling in my gut like I'm gonna loose him and be left to raise my children alone.
I think, "What in the hell would I do without him?" There are SO many things I rely on him for. Maintenance sums up what I have no knowledge of. But he's also our income so I can stay home because daycare is so expensive. I would have to work and raise the kids. How would I do that? I do know I'd move "home" which means back to Ludington. This would make me closer to family who could help. I also know we have great life insurance, so I'd be covered there for quite some time.
What I don't know is how I would survive without him. I know how much I've struggled losing my dad, I can't even begin to understand how I'd feel to not have Jesse. I also don't know how I'd be able to handle the kids alone. How could I help them deal with it all and deal with it myself?...
I hate these thoughts and the nasty feelings they leave inside me. I hate that I think of these things. And furthermore I hate that I think this way so often. Most of the time I don't even realize that is where my thoughts have slipped to until I feel the tears on my cheek.
I'm pretty sure this all has to do with losing my dad and a lot of other people close to me at relatively young ages. I think it is also related to watching my mom deal with life on her own for the first time ever (because she married at 18, so she went from her parents to my dad). And it may even be related to watching my brother raise his boys alone now, too (yes divorce sucks).
I need to find a way to feel secure in life again. I need to feel safe and happy. I want to let all of these worries go. Now, if someone could just tell me how.
Hugs ~ B.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Nanny 9-1-1
Okay, I am going to admit right now, lately I feel as though I stink at parenting. I scream and yell all the time, even over silly little things like spilling water on the kitchen floor. I don't stop and play or read to the kids like I used to. And it's all showing!
I feel like I've completely lost control over my children. They are all so hyper and active all day long and I just can't seem to keep up. They don't respond to me anymore no matter how loud or soft my voice is. I feel like I don't sound authoritative any more to them because I'm all they hear day in and day out. If Jesse says something to them, they shape right up! It's becoming very frustrating.
I'm also getting very frustrated with myself. I know I can be a better parent than this. I also know that I've ridden the "I'm exhausted from my life" train way too long.
I know this is not okay and I need to bounce back into my parenting full force. I just have to.
People keep telling me it's okay to be this way. Or that I'm a good mother no matter what. That I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've listened to them and blindly went along thinking I was doing a good job. But I'm not!
I have considered writing to the Nanny 9-1-1 or SuperNanny shows. I could really use some advice from someone who witnesses it all first hand. Someone objective, probably not from friends or family... They are usually bias or compare my situation to theirs. I'm not a spanker or a yeller by nature, so I need to find parenting techniques that really work for me and the kids. But, I truly believe my biggest problem is I used to be hands on and now I'm not. I sit back and just "bark" orders out and no one listens. Hands on definitely seems to be the better choice in our household.
Instead of always just saying that my kids come first, I need to get back to making them come first. Even if I feel too tired to chase them around the playground or even go outside for that matter. Even if one more piggy back ride seems just painful. Even if I just sat down and hear a cry from the other room... I need to get up and deal with my life.
Starts today, period.
Hugs ~B.
I feel like I've completely lost control over my children. They are all so hyper and active all day long and I just can't seem to keep up. They don't respond to me anymore no matter how loud or soft my voice is. I feel like I don't sound authoritative any more to them because I'm all they hear day in and day out. If Jesse says something to them, they shape right up! It's becoming very frustrating.
I'm also getting very frustrated with myself. I know I can be a better parent than this. I also know that I've ridden the "I'm exhausted from my life" train way too long.
I know this is not okay and I need to bounce back into my parenting full force. I just have to.
People keep telling me it's okay to be this way. Or that I'm a good mother no matter what. That I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've listened to them and blindly went along thinking I was doing a good job. But I'm not!
I have considered writing to the Nanny 9-1-1 or SuperNanny shows. I could really use some advice from someone who witnesses it all first hand. Someone objective, probably not from friends or family... They are usually bias or compare my situation to theirs. I'm not a spanker or a yeller by nature, so I need to find parenting techniques that really work for me and the kids. But, I truly believe my biggest problem is I used to be hands on and now I'm not. I sit back and just "bark" orders out and no one listens. Hands on definitely seems to be the better choice in our household.
Instead of always just saying that my kids come first, I need to get back to making them come first. Even if I feel too tired to chase them around the playground or even go outside for that matter. Even if one more piggy back ride seems just painful. Even if I just sat down and hear a cry from the other room... I need to get up and deal with my life.
Starts today, period.
Hugs ~B.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Time to be selfish
I realized today that I rarely do things for myself. This includes just about everything from prioritizing my likes and interests to buying myself decent clothing to doing everyday things like showering or styling my hair. Yes I shower, but not daily anymore. I skip it to have more time to clean or make my kids look good. I know it's not good to avoid the me things in life, but I haven't found a great way to balance all of my time. I'm not very good at leaving things for tomorrow. If the house needs to be cleaned, I feel as though it can't wait. When in reality it can.
I've come up with the idea to reintroduce 2 things a week that I need to do for myself or things that I enjoy doing. My goal every week will be to incorporate those things into our daily routines and lives. These things will be as simple as showering daily to as complex as making time for me while still being a good parent.
This week I am starting with brushing my teeth twice a day (at least) and remembering to take my medication twice daily. My doctor put me on medication because my body doesn't utilize the insulin it makes to it's fullest degree. No, this is not diabetes, it's called insulin resistant. The meds help my body use the insulin it creates to it's fullest potential. When I remember to take the pills, I have more energy through out my day and sleep better at night. However, I am horrible with remembering to take them.
I have also gotten lazy on the parenting front. I let things slide or slip away because I'm too worn out or don't feel like dealing with it. That's not fair to my kids. Children thrive on routines and our kids don't really have one. That is something we need to change and I plan to start that as well. I figure if I'm on a mission to better myself, we as a family might just as well go right along with me! I'm coming up with a check list of things that need to be done every day for the kids. I'm also coming up with a check list of things they need to do to get ready for bed every night. Then I will laminate the lists and let them check off the things with a dry erase marker each day. I hope they will enjoy taking ownership for what they do AND being allowed to actually use a marker makes it all that much better! :o) These check lists will replace their chore charts and they will still be able to earn their rewards each week with this system.
I pray that all of my changes to our lives will help me to keep pushing through my own journey. I pray it will help me get back to the person I used to be and help me to be the best I can be for not only myself but my kids as well. I also pray it sets the example for my kids that there are things in life that must be done in order to do the things we want to be done. I also hope it helps them follow directions and rules a little better so I won't be so worried to take them out and do things with them.
All of these changes are really for me in an attempt to regain the control and order that has been lacking in my life since we got married. I feel as though I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm not. But either way I don't care. I need to try and if I'm wrong I will definitely be the first to admit it.
Hugs ~ B.
I've come up with the idea to reintroduce 2 things a week that I need to do for myself or things that I enjoy doing. My goal every week will be to incorporate those things into our daily routines and lives. These things will be as simple as showering daily to as complex as making time for me while still being a good parent.
This week I am starting with brushing my teeth twice a day (at least) and remembering to take my medication twice daily. My doctor put me on medication because my body doesn't utilize the insulin it makes to it's fullest degree. No, this is not diabetes, it's called insulin resistant. The meds help my body use the insulin it creates to it's fullest potential. When I remember to take the pills, I have more energy through out my day and sleep better at night. However, I am horrible with remembering to take them.
I have also gotten lazy on the parenting front. I let things slide or slip away because I'm too worn out or don't feel like dealing with it. That's not fair to my kids. Children thrive on routines and our kids don't really have one. That is something we need to change and I plan to start that as well. I figure if I'm on a mission to better myself, we as a family might just as well go right along with me! I'm coming up with a check list of things that need to be done every day for the kids. I'm also coming up with a check list of things they need to do to get ready for bed every night. Then I will laminate the lists and let them check off the things with a dry erase marker each day. I hope they will enjoy taking ownership for what they do AND being allowed to actually use a marker makes it all that much better! :o) These check lists will replace their chore charts and they will still be able to earn their rewards each week with this system.
I pray that all of my changes to our lives will help me to keep pushing through my own journey. I pray it will help me get back to the person I used to be and help me to be the best I can be for not only myself but my kids as well. I also pray it sets the example for my kids that there are things in life that must be done in order to do the things we want to be done. I also hope it helps them follow directions and rules a little better so I won't be so worried to take them out and do things with them.
All of these changes are really for me in an attempt to regain the control and order that has been lacking in my life since we got married. I feel as though I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm not. But either way I don't care. I need to try and if I'm wrong I will definitely be the first to admit it.
Hugs ~ B.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Challenge accepted!
So today I made up my mind to challenge myself as I had mentioned in my blog from a few days ago. I will outline my challenge in a little bit. But first I need to say that I am nervous. I am nervous that I will not do well, that I will fail... However, I need to try. Even if only a fraction of good comes out of this challenge I will be ecstatic!
Here's how things will go:
1. NO more pop
2. Complete the 16 minute Jillian Michaels workout 5 days a week
3. Complete either relaxation pilates or fat burning pilates daily (it takes less than half an hour)
4. Make the healthier choices in food, even if it's a small thing (like spray butter over tub or stick)
5. Do something outside daily as weather allows. IE walk, garden, chase kids, bike ride
6. Prioritize sleep over cleaning and other things I think are necessary but prolly are not... =)
I am not going to measure success in pounds or inches lost. I am going to measure success by how well I am able to follow these "rules." I want this to challenge Me to change my ways at a pace that will stick.
I'm not a very healthy eater, but I want to be. I am starting with what I think is the worst thing I put in my body, pop. I'm also not a very dedicated exerciser. That's why I really want to give this new workout a try, because it's short and Jillian "promises" you can't plateau or get bored. I also tend to be a hermit and stay inside as much as possible and I realize that is not fair to my kids who NEED to be outside to burn energy and be healthy, active kids. I also suffer from insomnia and I really must get past it. My sleep specialist says it takes a lot of time and conditioning of my body to sleep when and how long I need to.
I don't feel you can put a goal on these things, however, I am going to reevaluate in a month. That is the day before we head off on vacation. I probably won't exercise as much, but will be walking all day all week. I also won't be eating as healthy because it will be all restaurants... So I figure that is a good way to judge if what I am doing helps at all. Because after my 5 days "off" I will either see a difference in the way I feel and look or will see no difference. If there is no difference, then I will know my challenge was not as effective as I would have liked and will have to change something. Does that all makes sense? I hope so, because it does in my mind!
Here's to wishing myself a lot of luck and success!
Hugs ~ B.
Here's how things will go:
1. NO more pop
2. Complete the 16 minute Jillian Michaels workout 5 days a week
3. Complete either relaxation pilates or fat burning pilates daily (it takes less than half an hour)
4. Make the healthier choices in food, even if it's a small thing (like spray butter over tub or stick)
5. Do something outside daily as weather allows. IE walk, garden, chase kids, bike ride
6. Prioritize sleep over cleaning and other things I think are necessary but prolly are not... =)
I am not going to measure success in pounds or inches lost. I am going to measure success by how well I am able to follow these "rules." I want this to challenge Me to change my ways at a pace that will stick.
I'm not a very healthy eater, but I want to be. I am starting with what I think is the worst thing I put in my body, pop. I'm also not a very dedicated exerciser. That's why I really want to give this new workout a try, because it's short and Jillian "promises" you can't plateau or get bored. I also tend to be a hermit and stay inside as much as possible and I realize that is not fair to my kids who NEED to be outside to burn energy and be healthy, active kids. I also suffer from insomnia and I really must get past it. My sleep specialist says it takes a lot of time and conditioning of my body to sleep when and how long I need to.
I don't feel you can put a goal on these things, however, I am going to reevaluate in a month. That is the day before we head off on vacation. I probably won't exercise as much, but will be walking all day all week. I also won't be eating as healthy because it will be all restaurants... So I figure that is a good way to judge if what I am doing helps at all. Because after my 5 days "off" I will either see a difference in the way I feel and look or will see no difference. If there is no difference, then I will know my challenge was not as effective as I would have liked and will have to change something. Does that all makes sense? I hope so, because it does in my mind!
Here's to wishing myself a lot of luck and success!
Hugs ~ B.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Words cannot do these feelings justice.
It's going on 3 years since I lost my Dad to cancer. Today is just as painful as the day he left. I'm sure I'm not the only one in this world who has ever felt this way. But, in my family (the 6 of us), I am alone in my feelings. The kids were so little when he passed that they barely remember him. Keldan was just a month old so he will never remember. Jesse has yet to loose anyone even remotely close to him and currently has a dad and a father. Not to mention he is not nearly as close to any of his parents as I am to mine.
Today has been especially hard. These days happen from time to time. Today was one of them because I really needed my confidant. You see, I talked to my dad every day for probably the last 5 years of his life. And before that I lived at home so I saw him everyday. I know most daughters go to their mothers for advice and to just chat. For me it was my dad. I went to him for just about everything. He and I had the same thought process, we looked at things the same way. We had a lot of the same views and opinions. Kindred spirits is the way I like to look at our relationship.
To say he was my best friend doesn't do it justice. He was my comrade. My confidant. My rock. My hero. He taught me to stand up for myself. He taught me the "arts" of life. Because there is "an art to doing everything in this world, including melting butter in a frying pan." Yup, he said that to me one day when he was trying to teach me to cook something. :-)
I miss him. I long to hear his voice. I do miss his voice most of all because it meant he was here, somewhere on this world. It meant he was giving me advice or harassing the hell out of me or someone else. It meant we were arguing... I loved arguing with my dad, it's just the way we communicated. We argued over everything. It was the way of life. Neither of us were usually upset with the other, but in this way we hashed out all that was bothering us in our individual lives. We were probably arguing over a sporting event or something in the news, but it meant so much more than that. I wish I could explain it here, but I can't. I talked about it with Jesse tonight and he understood completely what I was saying, mostly because he witnessed it.
I miss his smile and his chuckle. His snicker because he thought he was right, always right. I miss seeing his eyes light up when the kids laughed or called him Grandpa. I miss seeing the pride on his face when our whole family was together. He lived for us. Day in and day out was for his family. It's why he kept going with chemo when the doctors told him it was time to think about just enjoying what time he had left. It's why he drove 2 hours to see Keldan be born even though he could barely walk.
I recently found a CD with a short video on it of a trip my parents took to Arizona. They went there every year to visit friends and get a break from the snow. I couldn't see my dad in the video but I could hear his voice in the background talking to someone about appliances of all things... He was an appliance repairman by trade and loved to share his knowledge with people. So the conversation didn't surprise me. What did surprise me were the instantaneous tears when I heard his voice. I think I listened to that CD at least 32 times that night. It was less than a minute long, but it felt like a lifetime to hear his voice! Oh how I will cherish that sill CD forever now.
I watch so many people in my life around me who just don't cherish it. They don't cherish what they have, instead they are worried about what they don't. They worry over other people, whom they have no control over. They smoke like chimneys or drink like fish.... They are wasting their lives away and don't care because "it'll never happen to them." I see, know and am related to so many people who think or act like they will live forever. There's always tomorrow. Well I'm here to tell you there's not always tomorrow.
The last day I saw my dad alive was July 18, 2009. I remember it very well because it was Dominic's birthday party. My entire immediate family came down to have our first complete family picture taken. My dad complained the whole time because he had to get up so early and the portrait studio was so cold (to him anyways). He wasn't feeling good and that was very apparent. When he left my house that day, he came to say goodbye. I had just gotten over a cold and didn't want to get him sick so told him he shouldn't hug or kiss me at all because with the chemo he didn't have an immune system. He told me it didn't matter, he was gonna hug his daughter anyways and then he kissed my cheek. I told him I'd see him the following weekend, he smile, nodded his head and slowly walked to his car. It was the last time I saw him "alive."
Two days later, on Dominic's 4th birthday, I got a call at 4 o'clock in the morning from my brother that Dad was at the hospital and they were gonna put him on a respirator because he couldn't breath very well on his own. I had known since the night before that he was at the hospital with pneumonia. Jesse works 3rd shift and we only had one car at the time, so he came home and drove me to Ludington while my aunt, who was visiting to help with the new baby, stayed with the kids. I got there around 7 am. It was a long day of nothing improving. He couldn't really talk to us because of the respirator. He died that night at 11:55 pm and a part of me died with him.
I will never be whole again, of that I am sure. Like I said, we were kindred spirits and a part of me is now gone.
I've been struggling the last couple of weeks with my life and my body/weight issues. And tonight I realized why I just can't seem to get past my bad mood. It's my dad that I would have called or visited to work through everything with. I've tried talking with both Jesse and my mom as well as a couple friends, but it's just not the same. I have been bottling this stuff up inside for over 2 years because I just can't find someone who understands nearly like Dad would. I know I need to let this go and move on, but I'm struggling to figure out how.
What I wouldn't give to talk to him once in awhile. Even just one more time. But I know I will eventually just wish for yet another one more time.
So here it is. I'm writing this all down to help me. I need to hash this out. I hope that by thinking these things through and being honest with myself and writing them down, I will somehow be able to move on.
I've read and reread this blog post. It is hard to stop and I feel like I'm rambling. So for now, I'm done. I know I will write again about my Dad or maybe to my Dad. But for tonight, this is all I have. No point, no sense of anything, just a lot of random feelings that need an outlet.
I miss you Daddy. I love you, too! I hope you are at peace and smiling down on me. Please, if you could, just a little guidance somehow will be so appreciated. I think about you everyday and remember you like it was just yesterday. xoxo
Hugs ~ B.
Today has been especially hard. These days happen from time to time. Today was one of them because I really needed my confidant. You see, I talked to my dad every day for probably the last 5 years of his life. And before that I lived at home so I saw him everyday. I know most daughters go to their mothers for advice and to just chat. For me it was my dad. I went to him for just about everything. He and I had the same thought process, we looked at things the same way. We had a lot of the same views and opinions. Kindred spirits is the way I like to look at our relationship.
To say he was my best friend doesn't do it justice. He was my comrade. My confidant. My rock. My hero. He taught me to stand up for myself. He taught me the "arts" of life. Because there is "an art to doing everything in this world, including melting butter in a frying pan." Yup, he said that to me one day when he was trying to teach me to cook something. :-)
I miss him. I long to hear his voice. I do miss his voice most of all because it meant he was here, somewhere on this world. It meant he was giving me advice or harassing the hell out of me or someone else. It meant we were arguing... I loved arguing with my dad, it's just the way we communicated. We argued over everything. It was the way of life. Neither of us were usually upset with the other, but in this way we hashed out all that was bothering us in our individual lives. We were probably arguing over a sporting event or something in the news, but it meant so much more than that. I wish I could explain it here, but I can't. I talked about it with Jesse tonight and he understood completely what I was saying, mostly because he witnessed it.
I miss his smile and his chuckle. His snicker because he thought he was right, always right. I miss seeing his eyes light up when the kids laughed or called him Grandpa. I miss seeing the pride on his face when our whole family was together. He lived for us. Day in and day out was for his family. It's why he kept going with chemo when the doctors told him it was time to think about just enjoying what time he had left. It's why he drove 2 hours to see Keldan be born even though he could barely walk.
I recently found a CD with a short video on it of a trip my parents took to Arizona. They went there every year to visit friends and get a break from the snow. I couldn't see my dad in the video but I could hear his voice in the background talking to someone about appliances of all things... He was an appliance repairman by trade and loved to share his knowledge with people. So the conversation didn't surprise me. What did surprise me were the instantaneous tears when I heard his voice. I think I listened to that CD at least 32 times that night. It was less than a minute long, but it felt like a lifetime to hear his voice! Oh how I will cherish that sill CD forever now.
I watch so many people in my life around me who just don't cherish it. They don't cherish what they have, instead they are worried about what they don't. They worry over other people, whom they have no control over. They smoke like chimneys or drink like fish.... They are wasting their lives away and don't care because "it'll never happen to them." I see, know and am related to so many people who think or act like they will live forever. There's always tomorrow. Well I'm here to tell you there's not always tomorrow.
The last day I saw my dad alive was July 18, 2009. I remember it very well because it was Dominic's birthday party. My entire immediate family came down to have our first complete family picture taken. My dad complained the whole time because he had to get up so early and the portrait studio was so cold (to him anyways). He wasn't feeling good and that was very apparent. When he left my house that day, he came to say goodbye. I had just gotten over a cold and didn't want to get him sick so told him he shouldn't hug or kiss me at all because with the chemo he didn't have an immune system. He told me it didn't matter, he was gonna hug his daughter anyways and then he kissed my cheek. I told him I'd see him the following weekend, he smile, nodded his head and slowly walked to his car. It was the last time I saw him "alive."
Two days later, on Dominic's 4th birthday, I got a call at 4 o'clock in the morning from my brother that Dad was at the hospital and they were gonna put him on a respirator because he couldn't breath very well on his own. I had known since the night before that he was at the hospital with pneumonia. Jesse works 3rd shift and we only had one car at the time, so he came home and drove me to Ludington while my aunt, who was visiting to help with the new baby, stayed with the kids. I got there around 7 am. It was a long day of nothing improving. He couldn't really talk to us because of the respirator. He died that night at 11:55 pm and a part of me died with him.
I will never be whole again, of that I am sure. Like I said, we were kindred spirits and a part of me is now gone.
I've been struggling the last couple of weeks with my life and my body/weight issues. And tonight I realized why I just can't seem to get past my bad mood. It's my dad that I would have called or visited to work through everything with. I've tried talking with both Jesse and my mom as well as a couple friends, but it's just not the same. I have been bottling this stuff up inside for over 2 years because I just can't find someone who understands nearly like Dad would. I know I need to let this go and move on, but I'm struggling to figure out how.
What I wouldn't give to talk to him once in awhile. Even just one more time. But I know I will eventually just wish for yet another one more time.
So here it is. I'm writing this all down to help me. I need to hash this out. I hope that by thinking these things through and being honest with myself and writing them down, I will somehow be able to move on.
I've read and reread this blog post. It is hard to stop and I feel like I'm rambling. So for now, I'm done. I know I will write again about my Dad or maybe to my Dad. But for tonight, this is all I have. No point, no sense of anything, just a lot of random feelings that need an outlet.
I miss you Daddy. I love you, too! I hope you are at peace and smiling down on me. Please, if you could, just a little guidance somehow will be so appreciated. I think about you everyday and remember you like it was just yesterday. xoxo
Hugs ~ B.
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