Monday, May 14, 2012

Friend or foe?

I need to write about a recent event in my life to help me get past it.  I'm going to keep it as short and discrete as possible.  Please note this is for ME.  Amazing how once in awhile I need to do things for ME...  That's the reason the event occurred.

I was good friends with who I thought was a very nice person.  She and I are both stay at home moms however, we have completely different home lives.  I have 4 very energetic children who are only 4 years apart from oldest to youngest.  I choose to stay home to save money on daycare and raise my kids myself.  She has 2 children who are 6 years apart.  She stays home because of epilepsy and seems to hate it.  She likes being with her children, but hates the epilepsy part (from my observations).

*This story is my side and my side alone, please remember that.*

I posted for advice on FB, like I normally do when I am running out of answers on most anything in life.  The woman I am going to refer to as Sally left 2 comments, one was helpful, the other was very hurtful.  Sally is widely known for speaking before thinking.  She doesn't filter what she says and often times ends up apologizing for what she said because it was hurtful and or out of line.  An incident like that happened to me with her second comment.  I was informed I am too lenient of a parent and that's why my kids behave the way they do.  I was hurt very much by this comment because I work very hard to be the best parent I can be.  I responded with my own remark about how in my observation she isn't any more strict than I am, so basically please don't point fingers.

It was my comment that resulted in a lot of texting back and forth between the 2 of us.  Side note, fighting over text messages is annoying.  Anyways, I keep trying to explain why I was hurt and how she should not point fingers at people.  She kept trying to tell me I asked for it by asking for advice on FB and that I was wrong for "bashing" her back.

I'm sorry, but asking for advice is one thing...  Putting someone down as a person or parent is another.

Anyway, one thing lead to another and Sally ended up telling me that my children are "hyper mouthy little brats with no structure or discipline."  That was my last straw.  I have put up with her put downs similar to that but not as extreme since the day I met her.  Usually they were about me or my husband.  Those I could take.  This one however was a direct blow to my children who did nothing in the world to deserve it.  So, I ended our "friendship" right then and there. 

A couple of hours later, she sent me what seemed like a heartfelt apology.  When I finally responded (after a few more hours of careful thought on what I wanted out of this).  I responded with telling her I appreciated her apology but I basically wasn't ready to accept it and needed time to be left alone.  I also told her I hoped she learns from this that she can't just say what ever the hell she wants and just apologize later, because in my opinion that is no way to live your life.  You see I have witnessed her doing this very same thing with several others in her life, it's why a lot of people in my life thought I was crazy to be her friend.  I always defended her to them saying she was ultimately a good person and that I could look past her opinions.

Anyways, she responded to my message by telling me I was also wrong and basically I should apologize too.  That now the ball was in my court but her conscience was now clear.  SO, what I learned is the seemingly heartfelt apology was only for her.  So she could go on living with a "clear conscience."  She will most likely go on like this was all my fault and she did all she could by saying sorry. 

The thing is, I'm NOT sorry.  I didn't do anything wrong.  She "attacked" me with her opinion and when I told her so for the first time in our friendship, she flipped out.  I rarely stand up for myself, but this was concerning my children.  I cannot and will not deal with other people putting my children down.  They are good kids.  I, meaning ME, MYSELF and I, am the one who gets stressed out with my life.  Sometimes I ask for advice so I can be a better parent.  You will never hear me ask for advice on how to make my kids better, because they are all I could have asked for and more.  They don't need to be any better than they already are.

It's really too bad the friendship ended.  However, in light of everything that happened, I realize now it wasn't a good friendship for me in the first place.  If I have to put aside my feelings and am not allowed to have opinions, then it isn't healthy for me.  I have to worry about me first and others second.  If someone, like Sally, cannot accept that, then they don't deserve to be my friend.  I am worth so much more than put downs or having to worry about whether or not me having my own opinion will piss someone off. 

In the end, I feel I did the right thing and I have no plans to apologize for anything.  Sally needed to hear what I had to say.  I found I quote on FB that I feel sums up my thoughts on the matter: "Just because for once I stood up to you, doesn't make me a bitch. It just means I care enough about you to tell you what you need to hear even if it does hurt."  She needs to know her words hurt, whether she means any offense by them or not.  And, FYI, if you have to start your sentence with "no offense but" or "don't take this the wrong way but" then it really isn't something you need to say.

I want to end this by saying I feel better after hashing it out on this blog.  I'm proud I stood up for myself because I know I am worth it and my kids make far better friends than Sally ever will.