Climbing a mountain.

I've been working on doing things more for myself, such as daily showers and exercise.  However, I think it would be easier to climb a mountain.  One would think something like a daily shower would be an easy accomplishment.  I, however, seem to struggle to fit it in.

Lately I have become harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning.  The effects from my insomnia have really started to take their toll on me.  After 3 years of struggling with this disease, once I fall asleep, I rarely want to wake up.  For me the issue is falling asleep, not staying asleep.  However, being that my husband works 3rd shift, I am the only one here to deal with a sleep walking toddler, bad dreams and night time sickness.  I am usually awoken at least once if not up to three times by one of my four kids, each and every night.  It takes me a good 2 hours to fall asleep once I'm ready for bed.  So, having sleep interrupted is very hard on me. 
The issue of lack of sleep is a constant battle in my household.  My husband has to switch his sleep schedule every week and ends up with a total of 6 nights of sleep a week instead of 7 if you add up the hours he gets and divide by 7.  I however, usually end up with 5 nights doing the same equation.  So my question remains, who has it worse?  The one who averages less sleep per night with 1-3 interruptions during or the one who averages more sleep per day in less days?  I've been told sleeping during the day is not as good as sleeping at night.  However, interrupted sleep is not as good as uninterrupted sleep during the day.

I wish this issue could be solved for us.  Unfortunately, I think it will forever be a stand off, agreeing to disagree over sleep between my husband and I.  Which is really too bad.  It's the only thing we struggle with.  I guess I'm glad it's not finances that drive us to arguing though. :o)

However, we each have an uphill battle everyday or night for that matter while we have to be awake.  I struggle to stay awake to take care of my kids and usually run out of energy before I run out of what I should do in a day.  He struggles at times to stay awake all night operating and fixing huge deep draw stamping presses that can potentially kill him if he's not careful.  As well as running out of patients with everyone around him before he is able to go back to bed.

For his safety I give up on my sleep.  But for my sanity and the kids' well being he will also give up on his sleep.  Neither is a good solution.  So what is??  I wish I knew the answer.  Until then we will have to continue to climb the mountain of tiredness.

Hugs, ~B.

Mission: Making a better Becca

Alright, alright, alright already!  I know it's September and I have hardly even thought of this blog.  To say that I have been busy just doesn't do myself justice.  I know everyone feels busy, but I am pretty sure I top the list of busy.  Here's a quick recap of the last month in my life.

I spend every weekend an hour and a half from my current home in Holland.  I go back to my home town area to play softball with my family on a co-ed slow pitch league.  My husband generally stays here while I take my 4 kids so he can work the overtime we need to survive.  My weeks have been spent unpacking, doing laundry and regular chores done in 7 days condensed down to 5 days, and repacking for the weekend away.  On top of this our only vehicle was vandalized and had to go away for a week for repairs.  We got a 5 seater rental from our insurance company and if you follow my blog, you will know that was 1 seat short for our family.  To say the least it was an interesting week.  We have also added a puppy to our family and I have started working from home.  Both are taking more of my time than I ever imagined.  Now, my youngest and oldest have returned to school as well as my husband.  I am preparing to be gone for a long weekend in October to visit college friends I haven't seen in about 8 years!  There is also the return of preschool for my twins in October as well as religious education classes for all 4 kids at the end of September.  My oldest will be joining a bowling league soon, which will occupy my Saturday mornings.  Then there is the fact that my husband is still job searching so we can live closer to our family and raise our kids in the area we want them to grow up in.  Phew!  No wonder I'm so dead tired every night.  And I am still battling that ridiculous insomnia.

Now that everyone is updated, I want to get to the point of my blog.  ME.  I always put everything else in my life first.  My kids, family, pets, job, house, everything!  That has to stop.  I mean I don't even get time to shower every day.  As gross as that may sound to most people it is a very real part of my life with 4 kids.  So if you are considering a big family, maybe consider what you will be giving up. 

Anyways, I want to work on me.  Just me.  Nothing that doesn't involve me, myself and I.  Part of my goals always used to contain my family, job or house.  But I need to step back and work on me.  I have a few things in mind...  1. shower, daily no excuses  2. workout 5 times weekly  3. give myself time for me to do the things I enjoy daily (even 20 minutes is enough)  4. make decisions based on me instead of everyone else  This last one is gonna be very hard, but I need to make that change.  I do understand that my kids will almost always influence my decisions in one way or another.  However, they should not be my only deciding factor.  I need to make sure I'm doing things that will be good for me as well.  I need not be sorry for taking time to myself or feel guilty when I want some alone time.

I know I sound very selfish.  I've never said these types of things so boldly before.  I personally don't care what others will think because I know myself and I know it's time for this change to happen.  I've been working all summer on making myself better.  And I've done so in every other aspect except for me personally.  I'm sure this is confusing, so let me explain.

I've done lots to be more motivated, more patient with my kids, keeping my house cleaner, and lots of other things that involve not only myself but others in my life.  Now I want to work on things that will only benefit myself.  No one around me cares if I shower every 2-3 days or daily.  Nor do they care if I workout or get a quiet minute to myself.  I have also not made a decision solely for me since before I met my husband.  So little over 13 years ago.  For me to feel better as a person, about myself, I need to do these things.

So, here's to starting the next chapter!

~Hugs, B.