Petrified

For the last couple of weeks I haven't been able to shake some thoughts that petrify me beyond belief.  I don't know why I think these things or why I obsess over them, but I do.  I think my biggest fear is losing Jesse or one of the kids.  However, my thoughts always point to Jesse.

I think of all the "What would I do questions?" right down to "I have no idea where I'd even have his funeral."  Morbid?  Yes, I think it is... But I can't shake it.  I really do have this sour feeling in my gut like I'm gonna loose him and be left to raise my children alone.

I think, "What in the hell would I do without him?"  There are SO many things I rely on him for.  Maintenance sums up what I have no knowledge of.  But he's also our income so I can stay home because daycare is so expensive.  I would have to work and raise the kids.  How would I do that?  I do know I'd move "home" which means back to Ludington.  This would make me closer to family who could help.  I also know we have great life insurance, so I'd be covered there for quite some time.

What I don't know is how I would survive without him.  I know how much I've struggled losing my dad, I can't even begin to understand how I'd feel to not have Jesse.  I also don't know how I'd be able to handle the kids alone.  How could I help them deal with it all and deal with it myself?...

I hate these thoughts and the nasty feelings they leave inside me.  I hate that I think of these things.  And furthermore I hate that I think this way so often.  Most of the time I don't even realize that is where my thoughts have slipped to until I feel the tears on my cheek.

I'm pretty sure this all has to do with losing my dad and a lot of other people close to me at relatively young ages.  I think it is also related to watching my mom deal with life on her own for the first time ever (because she married at 18, so she went from her parents to my dad).  And it may even be related to watching my brother raise his boys alone now, too (yes divorce sucks). 

I need to find a way to feel secure in life again.  I need to feel safe and happy.  I want to let all of these worries go.  Now, if someone could just tell me how.

Hugs ~ B.