I am going to put a disclaimer on this blog right now! It may come across one way to one person and another way to another person... I am not by any means regretting my life, but trust me I do have a lot on my mind about what fate has given me and I'm stressed out! So you may think I'm ungrateful at the end, but trust me I'm not... I'm just worn out. Beyond actually.
Let me set a couple of things straight right here and now, I did NOT choose this life. I did not choose 4 kids, I was given 4 kids. As a matter of a fact, I tried to prevent 2 of them and the other 2, well you don't get to choose twins, they just happen and they can happen to ANYONE.
I do understand that when I was younger, per say 16-22 year old, I dreamed of one day having 4 kids. I even dreamed of what twins would be like because they fascinate me! However, that was before I had any sort of grasp on what raising a child would entail. That was also before I spent around $60,000 to become a teacher and was not able to find a job.
Once I had our first baby, I realized 2 kids were going to be plenty. We also discussed maybe adopting a third because my husband was adopted and he always wanted to pay it forward and make another child's life as good as his parents did his.
However, this is not what life planned for me. We did not plan our first baby, he just happened, even though we took measures to prevent him. We did plan our second baby and got the surprise of a lifetime with our third because she was the twin. Then we decided our plate was overfull and yet ended up with a fourth baby (again tried to prevent him). The hardest thing with the 4th is he is only 15 months younger than the twins... They may as well have been triplets, it would have been easier in the long run!
Please do not think I regret any of my kids, because I don't. They are my life, they are the reason I stay home (even when it drives me crazy). They have become my heart and soul. I would have never traded them for anything and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing because then they wouldn't be here.
Please do understand however, it is not easy. I do have my hands full. I go many days in a row not talking to another adult except for hello and goodbyes to my husband as he heads to work or school or bed. This is what is stressing me. This is what is bringing down my mood.
We don't even get to go to a movie now and then. Nor dinner out, or even an extra hour of sleep. We don't get breaks. The only time our kids are gone is when we have a significant reason for them to be gone, like when we moved last summer. I honestly can't remember the last time they were all gone for a night.
If we do get to go out, we pay for it! Usually times two. First we pay a sitter for watching them, which is about $11.50 an hour for 4 kids! Then we pay physically or emotionally because they are either super tired from being picked up later and put to bed later or super hyper from running around with kids all day, and hence super cranky for the same reason. And our night out of relaxing is undone.
I do ultimately love my life, but lately a lot of people have been complaining about needing a break and they only have 1-2 kids. Some people think they need help because they are sick or can't sleep at night and tired all day or just haven't gotten away in a month. To those of you like that, you are spoiled. I'm sorry, but I don't get help. When I'm sick, I still have to take care of my kids... no one comes to live with me for a day or two so I can sleep. I don't have the option of calling up one of our parents on a whim and having them watch my kids because I got invited to do something. I have to turn those invites down. I'd really be interested to know what some of the people around me would do without their parents as babysitters. I think they'd be up a creek without a paddle!
I do have to admit my mom helps when she can, but she lives little over 2 hours away from me. Though she's been a wonderful listener lately and offered me a lot of moral support. I gotta say, I have a great mom and really do wish she lived a little closer.
So, is there a point to this blog? Why yes there is! My first point is this: I don't have time for myself. All I want is to be better myself. I just want half an hour 5 times a week to exercise so I can get healthy again. I want a few minutes a day to organize my house and plan out healthier meals. But I don't have the time. Some would say, they'd just make time. Well you folks are welcome to come to my house and show me how to make time. But if it means I'm going to have to sacrifice sleep, then it's a no go because I need sleep to have the energy to keep up with my kids! And to be alert while they are awake. I once dosed off and Keldan got a paring knife out of the drawer and Gillian tried to get it away from him and he ended up with a big cut on his hand. All in the couple of minutes that I nodded off.
My only other point is this: Don't judge me. My life did not come with an instruction booklet and I'm doing the best I can. If I get a little or a lot cranky from time to time, I feel I deserve to. Until you've walked a day in my shoes, don't think you know better than I do. Also, don't tell me I chose this life because I didn't. It was given to me. Just because I used to "dream" about what I wanted in my life doesn't mean I picked this out for myself. I also dreamed of being an awesome teacher and I never even got the chance to try that!
This will leave me with one of my favorite quotes that I think everyone should live by.
"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect - and I don't live to be, but before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean." Bob Marley
Hugs ~ B.
No comments:
Post a Comment